Tantrums are a common part of being a small kid, but handling them well can teach your child how to deal with feelings for life. Here’s how you can work through these tough times with sure hands:
- Stay Calm: How you act sets the scene. Being calm helps your child feel safe and learn to manage feelings.
- Shift Focus: Move your kid’s mind to actions, touch-based tasks, or fun play to cool down the heat early.
- See Their Feelings: Say what they feel and be kind to make them feel seen and okay.
- Make Rules Clear: The same rules and daily plans cut mix-ups and tantrums while giving a feel of safety.
- Look Away From Small Fits: Don’t give in to tantrums that look for eyes or try to snap rules. Hold strong and steady.
- Give Choices: Let them pick small things to feel in charge, like picking between two clothes or snacks.
- Cheer Good Acts: Boost good acts with real, sweet cheers to back up better ways.
These ways not only cut down on tantrums over time but also help your child grow in handling feelings, talking well, and making strong bonds. By acting with care and no change, you make a more calm home and build a deeper link with your child.
Toddler Tantrums Explained: Causes, Prevention, and Calming Strategies
Keep Cool and Show How to Deal With Feelings
How you act when your little one has a fit is key in teaching them to manage their own feelings. If you keep cool, you show them that big feelings can be kept in check. This way, you lay the base for how they will deal with their emotions later.
The Power of Keeping Cool
Staying calm during a fit is not just good parenting – it’s also proven by studies. Research shows that when mom and dad stay cool during these big bursts of feelings, it helps kids learn to show and control their feelings better. Being calm makes kids feel safe, helping them learn to handle their own feelings as they grow.
How to Keep Calm in Tough Times
The key is to keep your calm, no matter how big the storm. Staying cool helps stop the rise of heat and teaches your kid to deal with feelings well. If you start to feel too much, it’s okay to take a short break – just be sure your kid is safe first. Taking this time to cool off can help you come back with a clearer mind, ready to distract or redirect with better results.
Use Pulling Away and Turning
Once you are calm, pulling your little kid’s mind off things can be a big help to cool down big feelings. When you first see a tantrum start, move their thoughts to stop it from getting big. Small kids can change focus fast, so having quick tricks ready can change a lot. The main thing is to know what your kid likes and be ready to use these ways when you need to. This fits well with the calm acting we talked about before, making a steady way to handle bad times.
Ways to Pull Their Mind Away
Get going. Moving can really help make feelings better. Try a fast dance, a few jumps, or a walk to a different room to look out a window. A new thing to do not only moves their mind but also lets out built-up steam.
Touch and see. Things you can feel and see can really grab their mind. Have a few small things ready like a soft ball, smooth rocks, or cut cloth. Stuff like blowing bubbles, playing with dough, or squeezing a sponge can calm and ground them.
Play easy games. Simple games are good at pulling attention too. Try "I Spy", count stuff around, or sing an action song. Even asking for their "help" to find something that’s “lost” can move their focus and energy.
Be funny. Being a bit silly can help cut the stress. Pull funny faces, talk in a silly voice, or act like their favorite animal. A laugh can do a lot, but make sure your fun doesn’t make light of their feelings – it should make the mood light while still seeing their feelings are real.
Know when to switch from just pulling away to really turning their mind for the best result.
When to Turn Their Mind
Timing counts. The best time to turn their mind is when you see the first small signs of upset – before the tantrum gets big. Look for early signs like fussing, going stiff, or that "uh-oh" look. Once a tantrum is full on, it’s way harder to pull their mind off.
Focus on small troubles. Turning works best for little problems, not big sad breaks. For example, if your toddler is mad because they can’t get a toy, suggesting a new thing might work. But if they are very sad about something like leaving the park, they may need to let those feelings out before they can turn their mind off it.
Be ready. Whether it’s a small bother or a stressful place like the store, having a plan can stop bad times. Bring small snacks, a loved toy, or songs they like. If you see them getting fussy, turn their mind before things get big.
Smooth out the changes. When you need to move on, make it fun. Instead of, "It’s time to go", make it a game: "How quick can we get our shoes on?" or "What will we see on the way to the car?" Keep their minds on something fun. This makes the change less shocking.
It’s key to note that moving their focus isn’t about hiding all bad feelings. It’s normal to feel sad or mad sometimes. This helps them learn to deal with these feelings. Yet, for small issues or to stop a big fuss in public, these tricks can help keep things cool and easy.
Know and Talk About Feelings
Once you move your small child’s mind to something else, the next key part is to get their feelings. In a fit, little ones can’t make sense of logic. Before you talk or set limits, make sure you get and show you care about how they feel.
Kids often can’t put their feelings into words, which can make them mad. By saying you get their feelings, you show them you know what’s up – even if their acts must be checked. Over time, this can make their big upset times less harsh.
Ways to Get Your Small Child’s Feelings
Say what they feel in words. Help your small child name their feeling. For instance, say, "You are very sad we must leave the park", or "You are mad because the box won’t open." This not only shows you care about how they feel but also helps them know more feeling words.
Meet them eye-to-eye. Bending down to their level shows you take their feelings as true. Look them in the eye and talk in a soft, calm way, using your body to back up your words.
Don’t ignore or make light of their feelings. Saying "You’re okay" or "It’s no big thing" might seem small, but it makes kids feel like you don’t get them. Instead, show that you see their feelings as real and big to them, even if they seem small to you.
Stay calm in the storm. Your job isn’t to stop the feeling but to help your child through it with care and support.
It’s key not to punish your child for being in a fit or saying that feelings like being mad are always bad. When you show you understand their feelings, you teach them that it’s okay to feel all things, even if some acts must have limits. This builds a base for better talks during and after big feelings.
Easy Talk Ways
Once your child feels listened to, move to clear talk to keep to the rules.
Keep it easy. A small child in a fit can’t take long talks. Use short lines like, "You want the red cup", or "It’s hard to leave." Talk more when they are calm.
Use a soft tone. Talk with love and understanding instead of being mad. Think of how you’d want someone to talk to you when you’re upset, and use that way.
Give care but stay firm. You can care about how they feel without changing the rules. For instance, say, "I know you’re sad about not getting the cookie. That’s tough", which shows you get their feelings without moving the rule.
Pick the best time. Don’t try to make sense with your child in the middle of a fit. When they are very upset, they barely get logic.
Show it more than say it. Small kids pick up on what they see in you without words. A calm face, open arms, and soft moves can show safety and help even when words can’t.
The goal is not to get rid of bad feelings – they are just part of life. But, to show your child that feelings change all the time, and they can count on you to help them when times are hard.
Put Clear Limits and Even Routines
Kids do well when they know what will come next. They feel safe, and then they throw fewer fits. Limits and routines work like a map, helping your child move through their day with less fuss and mix-up. Without these guides, even small things can set off big feelings. With clear rules and even routines, you make a calm place that cuts down on fits and helps you parent better.
The Need for Evenness
Being even means you act the same way each time the same thing happens. When you keep to your rules, your child knows what to look for – and that feeling of being safe is worth a lot.
How you act counts more than the rule. If you’re up and down, kids may think they can change the rules, leading to more tests and fits.
Limits and big feelings can go together. It’s fine for your child to be upset when you set limits. Say the TV time is done, and your child is not happy. You might say, "I get it’s hard to stop when you’re having fun, but TV time is up now." This way shows you care while you keep the limit firm. They will learn fits won’t change the rules over time.
Clear rules cut down on mix-ups. Don’t be vague; tell them exactly what to do like, "At mealtime, you must sit still, keep your hands to you, and speak nicely." This helps kids know what you want and makes it easy to steer their acts.
Set Even Daily Routines
An even day-by-day plan acts like a safe net for your child. Knowing what is next helps them get ready for changes, cutting down on fits. With evenness, routines give the steady feel kids need to feel secure.
Warn them about changes. Quick changes are hard for kids. In April 2024, Zero to Three talked about the need to tell kids clearly before things change. Instead of just stopping play, you might say, "When the timer beeps, it’s time to tidy up", or "After this book, we go home."
Get ready for hard times. Dr. Lopes says to think ahead about times that might make your child throw a fit:
"Anticipating those triggers, and modifying them so that it’s easier for the child to engage in that activity is really important."
If some things make your little one break down, let them know long before it happens. They need time to get used to it.
Cut big jobs into small parts. Things like going to bed can be too much for them. Instead of just saying, "It’s time for bed", make it step by step: "First, we’ll brush your teeth. Then, put on your sleep clothes. Next, we’ll pick your clothes for tomorrow." Doing one small thing after another can stop them from not wanting to do it.
Learn how to do things by playing. In October 2023, Hand in Hand Parenting showed a fun way called "Playlistening" to help make routines easier. A parent tried the morning routine with their child when things were calm, making it into a fun game. This play time made the child more ok and ready when they had to do it for real.
Let them make choices in their routine. Routines don’t have to be so stiff. Giving your little one small choices can make them feel like they have more power but still keep order. For example, ask, "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after we read a book?" or "Do you like the red pajamas or the blue ones better?" These small picks help them grow to be more on their own but still keep everything in line.
We don’t want to cut out all fun from family life, but rather make things more sure. When little ones know what to expect, they can deal with big surprises better.
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Pay No Mind to Small Fits and Don’t Give in to Bad Acts
At times, the top way to handle a fit is to not respond at all. It might seem wrong to a mom or dad, but ignoring some fits can show your kid better ways to get your eye. If you meet their wants or calm every fit fast, you teach them that fits work well to get what they wish for.
The key is to know which fits to ignore and which need you to step in. Not all fits are alike. Some are just for getting your look or to test rules, while others come from true upset and need your help. Seeing the shift is key to acting right.
When to Overlook Fits
Safety is topmost. Never overlook a fit if it might make your child – or another – get hurt, like if hitting, biting, or throwing is in play. Yet, for small fits that are safe, look for these hints to know if ignoring is best:
- Your kid is making a scene over something they can’t have, such as sweets at the store or not going to bed on time.
- They throw fits to not do things they don’t like, like cleaning up toys or leaving the park.
- The breakdown seems too much and fake, not like a true hurt.
- Your little one keeps eyeing you during the fit, showing they want your focus.
If you pick to ignore, stay close but don’t look at them, talk, or react. You can do something else but watch them. The point is to show that fits won’t get them prizes or your look.
After the fit stops, wait a bit before you talk to your kid. This break shows that being calm – not yelling – gets your eye. Over time, this helps them learn that calm works better than making a scene.
Mistakes to Dodge
To make sure you’re not by chance backing fits, keep these points in mind:
- Don’t give in “just this once.” It might look okay to give in now and then, but kids learn fast. If a fit works once, they may try it more often. Being steady is key.
- Don’t talk terms during the fit. If your kid cries for a snack before dinner, now is not the time to talk about food or make a deal. Wait till they are calm to go over rules and what you expect.
- Keep cool. It’s easy to get mad or feel shame, mainly if fits happen in public. But showing emotion can make things worse. Kids may see your big reaction as a win, making them do it more.
- See to their needs, but not while they’re in a fit. Ignoring a fit doesn’t mean you ignore your kid. If they’re hungry, need a nap, or want a hug, meet those needs – just not during the fit.
- First, tantrums may get worse. When you begin to not pay mind to them seeking your eye, your child may try harder to get what they want from you. This is usual and shows your plan is doing its job. Keep at it, and soon, the tantrums will start to drop off.
It’s key to know when to overlook small fits and when to cheer on good acts. Praise them when they are at peace and make good calls. This will help bring out the acts you wish to see more.
Give Them Options and Help Them Grow
Using steps like feelings shift and real talk, letting your little one pick between things is another top way to cut down fits. Little kids can get mad when they feel they have no say, and giving them easy choices you’re cool with helps stop fights. It also helps them learn how to choose.
The key is to mix letting them do their thing with keeping rules. By letting them pick from things you’re okay with, you help them be more on their own but still keep an eye on things.
Make Sure Choices Fit Their Age
The options you let them pick from should always be ones you like. This means you think about what’s good for you before you let them know.
Start easy with small picks that don’t cause big trouble. Like, when putting on clothes, you might ask, "Do you want the blue top or the red one?" This lets them feel they have a say in their day while making sure they look right.
"Allow the child to control decisions by offering choices that would be acceptable to the caregiver."
Mealtime can be a good time to give choices. Rather than asking, "What do you want to eat?" – which might lead to wild asks – give them two good snacks to pick from. Same goes for bedtime. Ask, "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after we read books?" Small picks like these help young kids feel part of the process but don’t bog them down.
"Giving your toddler options and letting them be a part of making decisions can help them feel in control."
- Svetlana Pomeranets, MD, Pediatrician
Making Choices Better
Giving choices often not only makes your young kid feel in charge but also cuts down on fits. When you pick a time to do this is just as key as the choices. Giving options in a cool, simple way – mainly when your kid starts to get mad – can help them feel in charge again.
You can use this way to stop fits in spots that make them mad. For example, if it’s hard to leave the play spot, you might say, "Want to slide one more time or swing once more before we go?" This helps them end on a good note while you keep to your plan. Also, if your kid wants something they can’t have, try offering other things. For instance, if they can’t have a toy they want, you could say, "I know you want that toy, but we can’t take it now. How about this puzzle or these blocks instead?"
Going to the store gives more times to try this. If your kid asks for a cereal you don’t want to buy, you might say, "We’re not picking that today, but do you like Corn Flakes or Cheerios?" This way, you hear what they like while you still pick in the end.
Cheering for Good Acts
Mixing praise with the right outcomes helps make a child’s good acts show up more. When you see your kid do well and point it out, you push them to do it more. Here’s how to give praise that means a lot and works well.
How to Cheer for Good Acts
Often and clear cheers are a strong way to back up good acts. The more you tell them what they did well, the more they understand your words.
"Children need frequent positive praise and encouragement."
Saying "Good job" is not as good. Instead, point out what they did well. For example, if your little kid helps you, you could say, "I really liked how you helped me pack the diaper bag." This tells them exactly what made you happy and pushes them to do it again.
Psychologist Vasco Lopes says, "By giving praise for following rules and handling upset well, you teach skills and stop bad tantrum behavior, as you can’t follow a rule and throw a tantrum at the same time."
Watch for times when your kid deals with being upset well. If they calmly build a block tower again after it falls, say, "I saw you rebuild that tower without getting mad when it fell. How did that feel? Were you feeling strong and cool?" This not only praises what they did but also ties it to the good feelings that come with calm.
Lopes also talks about how clear you need to be with rules: "It’s not just ‘Behave today.’ It needs to be ‘Sit during meals, keep your hands to yourself, and say nice things.’ Those rules are clear, the child knows what to do, and you can give praise and rewards when they do it right."
Another way to back good acts is by telling others about what they did. Like, while talking to a family member on the call, you might say, "Hey Aunt Jodi, guess what? Madison made a really tall block tower today!" When they hear you sharing their wins, it boosts their good behavior.
Lastly, bedtime is a great chance to look back on the nice things your child did all day. As you put them to bed, bring up their good moves: "You were so patient waiting for your turn at the playground today. That was really nice." Ending the day like this not only boosts their sense of good behavior but also makes them proud and ready to continue tomorrow.
Make Parenting Simple With AI Help
Boost your way of handling kids with smart tech help. Brilliant Parenting‘s AI coach tool helps you deal with little kid fits when they come. This tool doesn’t share all its parts here, but it wants to give you real, right-now help in hard times. For more on how this AI tool can fit your way of being a parent, go see the Brilliant Parenting site. Use it to make your good parenting ways stronger and build a quiet, caring space for your child.
End Note: Growing Emotional Smarts and Happy Families
Main Points
Handling a young kid’s big outbursts isn’t just about making it through the tough times – it’s about helping your child grow emotionally for a better future. The seven simple ways we talked about lead to a calm, well-planned method to make you and your young one get past these hard spots.
When you keep your cool, your little one sees that strong emotions don’t have to cause mess. Using fun things to grab their focus can stop a big outburst from getting worse, while seeing that their feelings matter teaches them that their emotions are real and have names.
Setting clear rules and daily plans make your child feel safe, even when they push against these rules. Not paying much mind to small outbursts stops these bad acts from getting attention, and giving choices helps them feel in control and less upset.
Saying good things about nice acts and smartly using time-outs brings balance – pushing good actions and dealing with unsafe or mean acts. These ways, used all the time, lower big outbursts over time and help your child calm down faster when they do happen. With work, these methods ease now and build strong emotional health for later.
Long Lasting Goods
The good from smartly handling big outbursts goes way beyond the young years. Kids who get emotional smarts early are likely to make stronger friends and have healthier bonds through their whole life. They’re more ready to handle stress, meet new trials, and deal with letdowns.
Emotional smarts turn into a key part of their being. Kids with these skills often do better in school, make real friends, and face lower fear and trouble acts as they get older.
Your steady, cool answers during big outbursts teach your child that troubles can be fixed without mess. This learning affects how they’ll deal with fights with brothers, sisters, friends, and even future love interests or workmates. The talk skills you show now lay the base for strong, fair bonds.
Most of all, these methods lead to true family peace. When everyone’s voice is heard and knows what’s coming, stress drops for both grown-ups and kids. Dinners get nicer, bedtime goes well, and family trips feel less like fighting grounds.
FAQs
How can I stay calm when my small kid has a fit?
It’s very common to get upset when your small kid throws a fit, but staying calm is key to deal with it right. Take a bit of time to take deep breaths and tell yourself that fits are part of how kids grow.
If you start to feel mad, step back for a bit – make sure your kid is safe – or count to ten to cool down. Keeping a cool head not only lets you think better but also shows your kid how to handle big feelings. Your calm way can help stop the fit in a big way.
